Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Our talk


You will have to read all previous posts to understand our situation now.
I thought the reason for all of this was from him loosing his father and not having a career but I was mistaken. Apparently whatever our earlier discussion was something that I had told him empowered him to step up and finally talk the truth. He told me he wasn't ready to get married and leave his family. He thought things would have worked themselves out but in my opinion sleeping the days away due to stress and setting goals that were never approached didn't help. He made himself a leper in our family and marriage. 
Further discussion lead me to the understanding that he wasn't happy and hasn't been since he came. Feeling of inadequacy from not being able to have our own place to not providing for me to giving me a real wedding ring. Being away from everything he knows and everyone in his family makes it difficult.
After our talk I had cried profusely and he sat next to me in bed doing exactly the same thing. He never wanted to hurt me. What I had thought the talk to be an outlet of relief for him, wasn't, just guilt for more pain that he caused me.  

So his plan to go away again for 1-3 months and stay with his friend out of town is to get help with a program that helps those who have been laid off to start a new career. He also want to look at University options there. Why he can't do that here is beyond my understanding but all I can do is show him all my love and support because deep down all I truly want is for him to be happy.    
Surprisingly enough in these past few weeks I have become closer to God and in sharing this revelation with Allen it made him happy. I am more centered and focused now. 

The truth


What has happened in the past month has changed our marriage. The truth came out and here are the events leading up to it. 
A few weeks ago he came back and I got my pass. This was the last time his workplace was sending him there as they laid him off. When the next weekend was about to come along he mentioned that he was thinking of going away again to the same place for a week this time. I thought it would be good if I could go with him but he used everything he had to make me see it would be better if he went alone.  He had a friend there who he could stay with. I thought everything was fine with us until on my way home from work I got a text from him telling me he was on his way there now to stay for the weekend. I felt upset. I kept telling him he has to tell me about his plans and we discuss it before he goes.
So when I got home the kitchen was a disaster. I had to get some food and toilet paper on my way home and realized that money had to be deposited into an account and I had no time with my work schedule. I had too clean up after a hard day of work standing and serving people. I was furious for him not thinking about me. 
We had a long text discussion as to him not sharing his plans with me. I felt left out and that I wasn't part of his life. He kept telling me he's not happy with himself.

Frantic


As I was leaving for work this morning I got frantic because I couldn't find my transit pass. Why is that? I lent it to him and he didn't give it back to me Friday. Now he's gone for the weekend with my pass.  I looked for a solution; money, tokens anything and I found two tokens on his desk. I took them and ran! I had ran around like an insane person.


I'm tired of this! I can't do this anymore! I don't believe that his hound like an insane person. I missed my bus and had to catch another route. I was so upset and angry! I cried in the bus. I went to work depressed and my boss was on my case, following me around and in my face .

At a loss


He lost his father less than three weeks ago. I can't blame him for being distracted and disconnected and wanting something more for himself, for his life. But it feels he just stays away and goes to be away from me. I'm not enough to keep him around. I need to work on myself, study my religion, soul search and fix myself up real good. I need a lot of work. I think I can do it!
I'm going to use this time I have without him for my space, time, energy and ability to do what I need to take care of myself. Two days, two nights....
I will focus myself on me. I'm broken and I can't fully function in this manner. It won't matter. I can't fix or help anyone else. I won't be able to love him fully since I don't truly love myself. 

Going in the wrong direction


Diary entry for Mar. 9/13
I'm feeling better this morning. I slept well. We sent text messages last night before I went to bed. I didn't know what to believe because I woke up thinking, 'Well, I don't miss him as much as I did last time, when he was gone.'
I know it's probably my survival instincts playing. Maybe I'm getting used to it. If I get used to this, don't miss him anymore and it doesn't affect me, it isn't good. I don't think our marriage is going in the right direction.
I know part of it is my doing. I still have issues with my self-esteem. Most people don't know this fact because I sound and act as though I know what I'm doing, but I don't.
When it comes to our relationship i have no idea what I'm doing. I'm very insecure. It's sad, really sad. I don't know how to instigate and to be the first to reach out physically. I share my feelings, when I'm upset, angry and  why. I have screamed. I'm at a loss. I'm thinking that what's happening now is a production of my past actions. I don't do anything. I wait for him to hug me, to touch me and to reach for me. This is really the result of what is going on between us.      

Pieces of my heart


Continuation...
Right now what's bothering me other than his lack for self-expression to  me is that about a month ago I had made these ORIGAMI HEARTS and had written notes in each one inside for him to find and read. I made a total of six. He read three. They are still on the desk, untouched and unread. It breaks my heart because they were a form of expression for me to share my heart with him but apparently he doesn't have the time for me. This is upsetting and sometimes I wonder if I did something wrong to be treated this way. Is it my fault? Am I to blame? What did I do? 

Alone!!!


This is a diary post from Mar. 8/13.
I'm pretty much alone. I feel alone. I think I've been feeling this way for quite some time. I hope this post will help me to heal. I think the eczema has something to do with my self-esteem and self-confidence issues which is making it hard on my marriage and relationship with Allen. I don't know if it's just me but I seem to need more attention than he's giving me. 
He has gone to the Capital, which is in another city. He left about a half hr ago. I didn't get anything. NO HUG. NOTHING! To me it seemed pretty much like nothing. My reaction actually wasn't half as bad as last time he went there. That was two weeks ago.  Maybe I'm getting used to it or getting better at holding in the tears, not sharing my feelings, not expressing myself of how I feel.
What's really strange was at the beginning when he first arrived, about 2.5 years ago, I remember I had problems sharing what was bothering me, what I was angry or sad about. It was him to kept telling me that I would feel better expressing it, showing it and sharing it. He doesn't share his feelings with me. It's very hard and I'm trying. I am. I really am.
I'm hoping to go into therapy soon, to talk about my problems. I'm hoping it'll help with my self-esteem and self-confidence. So my marriage and relationship with Allen will improve. Right now he can't fix me. I need to learn how to do that. I need to fix myself. I was relying on Allen to fix me but he can't. I realize that now.